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Expert Q&A:
My mother-in-law is obsessed with my daughter -- what should I do?

 
1
Answered by Lawrence Kutner PhD

"I'm both a clinical psychologist and a journalist," says Lawrence Kutner, "which means that I get paid to stick my nose in other people's business and to learn from their mistakes and their successes."

Lawrence Kutner, PhD (www.drkutner.com), is a nationally known clinical psychologist who trained at the Mayo Clinic and teaches at Harvard Medical School. From 1987 to 1994 he wrote the award-winning, weekly New York Times column "Parent ," which was syndicated throughout the United States. From 1991 to 1999 he was the child behavior and "Ask the Expert" columnist for Parents magazine.

He is currently a contributing editor of Parenting, Family Life, and Baby Talk magazines. The PBS special Adventures in Parenting, With Dr Lawrence Kutner has been broadcast nationally since 1993. He is a former talk show host on KGO radio in San Francisco.

Dr Kutner has been a consultant to the Children's Television Workshop, the Johann Jacobs Foundation (Zurich), The Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States, and to major universities and corporations throughout the United States and Europe. He is a frequent guest on national television and radio networks. Dr Kutner received his bachelor's degree from Oberlin College in Ohio and his PhD in clinical psychology from the University of Minnesota. His recent books include Parent : Getting Through to Each Other, Pregnancy and Your Baby's First Year, Toddlers and Preschoolers, Your School-Age Child, and Making Sense of Your Teenager.

Dr Kutner is the father of a 9-year-old son as well as a 21-year-old foster son from Romania. He and his family recently moved to Basel, Switzerland.

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Question


My husband's childless stepmother has been "infatuated" (her word) with my 6-year-old "Jane" since Jane's birth. She regularly gives lots of gifts to Jane, but none to my 5-year-old. She tells Jane, "Uh-oh, here comes mummy!" "Do you want me to rescue you from your mummy?" She once yanked Jane out of my arms and ran off into the woods. Another time, she flung Jane 15 feet across the floor. (Both times she was angry at me.) She's invited herself to our house about every other weekend for four years. We've talked to her many times. Nothing changes. What should I do?

Answer


I'm very concerned about your mother-in-law's mental health. Her behaviour is potentially dangerous to your children. She needs help. 1: Your husband (she's his stepmother) has to tell her that she can visit only when you agree beforehand. Then stick to that. (It sounds as if you've been letting her push you around on this matter.) Supervise her visits. 2: Talk to other family members about your concerns. Help her find treatment.
 

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